The other morning I read about how our frame of reference effects our day to day living (Tony Robbins, "Awaken the Giant Within").

How we respond to outside stimulus ultimately has a huge effect on the quality of our lives.

Our responses can be inner responses – what we think and feel about things that happen – or outer responses – how we act.

Almost everything we do in some way relates back to some kind of frame of reference from experiences in our past.

And this forms our life. One reference at a time. 

The funny thing is that most of us can loosely acknowledge this, but it runs in the background.

We let it control us.

Many times our frame of reference is outdated and even flat out wrong.

MAKING COOKIES IS A GOOD THING… RIGHT? 

I had this hit me over the head the other morning.

The morning that I read the chapter, thankfully. Otherwise I may never have caught on.

As you may know, many mornings I make a batch of cookies for my daughter's lunch.

It's been going well.

This morning in particular I got up and made chocolate chip cookies, taking special care to make them just how my daughter would like them. She wanted chocolate chip and I wanted to make them healthy but really yummy. I was getting a lot of pleasure from feeling like I was doing something right.

And you guessed it.

Dear daughter gets up, comes to the kitchen, wrinkles up her nose and says – it smells like… vanilla… Or oil… Or something.

Just so happens that I was baking with coconut oil It's a great oil. But it is different than butter. And it smells a little like coconut, of all things.

So I automatically assumed that she was making a comment about my using a 'healthy oil' instead of butter to bake with.

And I lost my temper.

I ranted about trying things before you decide that you don't like them.

I ranted about having nothing good to say then don't say it.

I ranted about the dishes she didn't do last week.

And about the messes she did make.

I was over the top.

And then I went on to give her the speech about how I do these things, like make her eat healthy food instead of ice cream bars all day (I ranted about that too) because I love her, not to make her unhappy.

That's what mom's do.

She got the full treatment. 

And why?

Because from my frame of reference, she was complaining about what I was making, because it was 'different'. It has happened before. I don't joke about my kids being the '3 Mikey's' for nothing. 

Because I as feeling pressure to make it good. Mostly pressure I was putting on myself from my past frame of reference. 

Even though for the most part the kids have been happy with all the new goodies that have been coming out of the kitchen.

But did I immediately think of that?

Nope. 

On a morning that I was especially trying to make it nice, I immediately assumed that in wrinkling up her nose and talking about vanilla and oil, she was referring to what I was doing.

GUESS WHAT

After we smoothed it out, which thankfully I always do,

my one rule is never send a child off to school on a bad note,

and she left for school I realized the our wood stove wasn't drawing the way it should be and the house was smelling funny.

THAT is what she was referring to when she got up.

I hadn't noticed it because I had been up for awhile, fully engaged in making a perfect chocolate chip cookie.

WORST MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD 

Have you ever wondered how your kids are ever going to turn out 'normal' by the time they live through your parenting skills?

That's how I felt!

I cried. Ranted to myself, something about how I never should have been allowed to have kids. Cried some more.

The morning sure hadn't gone like I had planned!

REDEMPTION 

I sweated it all day. Realizing that it had been a bad case of my 'Frame of Reference' gone wrong that had gotten me into this mess.

When she got home I apologized and told her what had happened.

As we are lucky and I, crossing fingers, must be doing something right, we were able to joke about it.

I told her that the mention of vanilla and oil made me naturally assume that she was talking about my baking.

I said that if she had said she smelled smoke I may not have thought so.

Then I said, actually I might have!

Then she told me that she didn't mind me saying that she should try things before she has something bad to say about them.

But not to go on about the dishes, the mess and who knows what else.

She's got a point!

And then she told her sister, who had gotten a good laugh about it all since she wasn't there, that she was 'sticking it the man'. In reference to the fact that she was telling me what she didn't like,

another rule of mine. Tell it like it is. I WANT to hear my kids opinion and thoughts, even if it is about my messing up. Especially when it's about my messing up.

Oh, did I mention that the whole time they were eating the cookies?

The whole cookie jar of cookies?

And they wanted me to make more.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? 

What frame of reference are you operating from – in parenting your kids, in your marraige, in your family relationships – that you could 'flip'.

Had I stopped in my reaction for just a minute and given her a chance – or operated from a positive frame of reference – even if I had to search for one –  the whole episode would have been avoided, and we would have had a fantastic morning. 

Many times our frame of reference puts us on the defensive.

That's not a good place to be.

Really think about this.

Maybe you even have a few stories of your own?

The bottom line is that there are always going to be positives.

And there are always going to be negatives.

You get to choose which ones you reference through life.

It makes all of the difference. 

I'll certainly remember that the next time I make cookies!

This morning?

I'm getting cookies out of the freezer.